I spent the night eating ben and jerries and drinking lapsang tea. Both are "me & JJ" things. Things JJ got me into, the tea bags are left overs from our holidays and BnJs the only ice cream I can face eating. Things are tough, I miss my boy, I have no idea where my paperwork is - it's meant to take three to five weeks to reach me, and the five week marker past by on Thursday. Plus they aren't replying to our enquiries. Term for July is definately stuck.
So, this all keeps making me think they are rethinking my application; or so many people are fleeing to the USA that there's an immense back log that no one knows about. Just confusing when we came finished the first phase under the average we're stuck in limbo. Limbo. Limbo. Limbo.
I often hide that i'm not scared about moving to others and sometimes to myself. Don't get me wrong i'm totally excited about being with JJ and living together and getting married and everything that is about us. It's the being eight hours minimum flight away from the UK, the feeling that when I open my mouth i'll be noticed as being totally different because I have an English accent, or just being known as the "english girl" then of just not knowing anyone. I'm not too hip on the sterotypes of English people - I just know I don't speak like the Queen, live in London or a castle. Just have a feeling I won't fit in at all.
All these worries will be totally irrelent if I can't even move. Then I worry about the mess i'm leaving behind, if I don't move I rip me and JJ apart which I can't, can't do. I can't walk away from what we have, but then moving and being an only kid means my parents being without me and what will that cause? I know they need to step back from my life but thats natural anyway, i'm 25 in September and i need to reclaim the independence I had when I was at university. Moving makes me feel so very selfish at times.
I try to escape into my job, even though I don't really like it, but I just try and get my head down and focus on that for the time being. But i'm swamped in collegue converstations about cheating husbands and affairs. I'm that invisble worker that just gets on with her work and doesn't say much. I dyed my hair a more reddy colour and noone mentioned or commented on it, a girl is leaving and I wasn't asked about going to a leaving drink. Maybe its' because i'm quiet, maybe i'm making my own suffering?