Another take - the LDR

I've been meaning to post this for a while but I've always been interested in hear other couples experiences of being in an undertaking long distance relationships after being in one myself. Jo, who blogs over at Life in a Wendy House did a fabulous write up of her own experiences which I'm sharing with you today and I'm sure it will be of particular interest to those of you who are, or are about to undertake a university based LDR.

Hi, I’m Jo and I’m in a long distance relationship.

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it, but this isn’t a problem.

When my dad asked if me and my boyfriend, of then two years, were going to stay together when I moved down South for Uni and he studied at home, my response was “Of course, why wouldn’t we?”. He raised his eyebrows, obviously expecting us to split up and forget one another in our fresher’s haze, but it didn’t happen. We’re now 2 years into our LDR and still together. Why? Because we make it work despite what everybody else’s preconceptions are.

There are nearly 200 miles between us, it’s a 3 and a half hour train journey, and because we both have university commitments I see him normally around once every ten week term. I’m not going to say it’s a walk in the park, because there are difficult times. I get annoyed when I want to ring him but he’s busy, he gets annoyed when I go out and forget to text him when I get home, but they’re problems that are easily solvable. In fact, I think it’s a lot less difficult to have an argument when your miles apart from each other because you instantly just want to forget about it and make up rather than continue a long, pointless argument via phone or text.

It’s all about making time for one another and making sure that the time you do manage to spend together is the very best it can be. After those ten weeks have passed I know I’ll have a month at home when I can spend time with him and do the things we both miss when we’re apart, and that’s what I try and remember when I’m crying over how much I want to go home and how much I need a hug.

We make the effort to talk every day. We text daily, updating each other on the little things in life and speak on the phone or skype occasionally when we have more time to spare, but just because we’re not in contact 24/7 or seeing each other every day doesn’t mean our relationship is a failure, far from it. I honestly believe that moving away from each other has improved us as a couple; the space an LDR offers gives you a chance to reflect on all the good and bad within your relationship and work with that knowledge to improve your relationship and yourself when you’re apart, so that when you are together it’s almost perfection.

I have one more year apart from him and then who knows what will happen. I can’t predict the future but what I do hope is that we’ll still be together even then. After almost 5 years together it’s difficult to see your relationship going in any other direction than together and I’d really like to have the happy ending that many others achieve despite the miles.

So, I’m Jo. And I’m proof that a long distance relationship can work.

If you're in a long distance relationship and want to share your story, get in touch!

Reflection - Long distance relationships

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world getting to wake up with my guy every day. Yet I wasn't always this lucky. It took two and a half years of living in a long distance relationship [LDR] and their challenges to get where we are today. Since overcoming those hurdles I've always wanted to write a reflective piece about LDRs and how we made ours work. I'm never going to say they are easy but their are ways of making them easier.

Source

What I always found hardest are the misconceptions that everyone else apart from the couple seem to have about LDRs. These people become dead set on asking you about how you deal with trust, potential lying and the all too common belief that one person will cheat. I have always held  the belief that if a person is hell bent on cheating they will do so regardless of distance. As for trust - you choose to let someone into your world, it's your decision. Trust comes naturally - when you find the person you want to be with, you trust them no matter what. Predominately I think you can only understand an LDR and the mind set for living in one is to have experienced one personally.

We managed to have tonnes of fun together. We found ways of having fun "dates" by watching the same films together, swapping funny videos and playing games on MSN. You don't have to stop having fun because you're not together physically, and I always kicked butt at 3D tic tack toe. 

You should also come friends with your post office. I always loved sending Joe surprises in the mail, although trying to keep surprises for upwards of two weeks because of the slowness of international mail was testing. We'd send random things - books, postcards to Joe sending me flowers. Again I had to deal with negativity - my mother always thinks something has to be up for a guy to send you flowers. I despair. 

Source

At the heart of an LDR is communication, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. Which I know for guys is sometimes hard. You both need to be open and willing to talk about the situation and how you're feeling. Its OK to tell your partner you miss them, hell it's even OK to cry. We text'd constantly during our LDR, we talked on MSN daily and skyped every so often. But that's what we needed for us - I needed that level of communication. Some people need lots of communication, some people need only a little. You need to find the balance for you.

Ultimately you'll have to make plans for an LDR to end. Either one or both of you will move and you'll live happily ever after together. Although it's rarely that easy. For us, we had to make the decision who would be willing to move countries. It came down to money and practicality. I was in a job that I wasn't happy in and living at home, Joe had an apartment, a career, a cat and a car. Yeap I moved. We had the extra challenge of visas but the process of making the jump to living together is the same. 

Every day will feel like a holiday, I often felt nervy that I'd wake up and it was a dream. You'll feel the luckiest person in the world because you knew how hard it was being apart. But you have to learn to respect the other person and their space pretty quickly, being in an LDR we all become use to doing things in our own time, at our own speed, and to have someone jumping into your life is daunting. I knew all about Joe's gaming habit but being in his apartment and seeing how many hours he plays was a shock. You'll see their habits, how they leave their socks on the floor, ask you to always get his Pepsi. You'll either love their habits or you'll hate them. Luckily for me I see Joe's habits as part of him and I wouldn't change them - he spends hours gaming so I spend the same hours crafting.

Source

It took us over two years to live together, at times it was horrid, I missed him like crazy and I was scared of loosing him to an American girl. Nevertheless I loved him and I was determined to get us to this point and I'm glad we took the risk. 

Now its your turn - have you ever had an LDR and would you like to talk about you're experiences here on my blog? What helped me was reading stories about other people who were going through what I did. Or do you have any questions about how to deal with an LDR? Leave them in the comment box and I'll do and answer post soon!

Part thirteen .. questions, questions, questions

One of the things I panic a lot about when it comes to the visa is all the protential quesitons they might ask about our relationship - the visa i'm on [the k-1] is basically a non immigrant visa which lets me into the USA for 90 days within which we have to marry. Then we attempt to adjust my status and that's another battle in itself. First we need to prove we have a proper relationship, and it's more then just showing you have the odd photograph together. I know I shouldn't worry - because what we have is proper and i'm not mail order bride, but its the not knowing what they want to hear. The questions [well sample ones you can find on the internet] are pretty straight forward but drive you in circles dusting over the "how did you meet", birthday dates, addresses, places of work then needing to know things like;

When is your birthday - your in trouble if you don't know this one me thinks ...

What is your fiancées designation at work ... i'll tell you after i've worked out what designation means ... job er social worker?

Did you have an engagement party ... are you for real? It's hard enough trying to get to see each other yet along get a party organised for an engagement. To be honest I know few couples who ever have had an engagement party.

What do your parents think of your engagement and did you make a formal announcement ... no comment - swiftly moving along ....

Why are you getting married in the U.S and not your home country ... cuz we just are, i can't really explain why apart from me hating my job, hating living at home and Joe having a career, a job, a car, a cat ...

Do you understand your finances language ... well he does use funny words like sidewalk, freeway, trunks, pants for trousers but I can improve it ...

Can you show proof of your arrangements to marry - to be honest this is rich. Countless countless times your reminded NOT to book any plans or flights or weddings because you might just not get your visa, so why would you go booking venues and send out dated invites when your wedding might not happen?! All we have is some stamped out invites and a wedding dress hung up in my boy's cupboard.

The easiest of the questions though; what do you love about your ficance  ... he's my best friend, my rock, my guy that I giggle with, he's caring, affectionate, passionate, sweet, caring, and funny. I love how he makes me feel inside, and i love the tingles I get with him. Why wouldn't I want to be with a guy like that?!

The adjustment of status questions are even worse - requesting details of your housing arrangement and where you keep your rubbish in the kitchen apparently sometimes I wonder how many "normal" relationships could answer those questions. But I think i'll worry about these questions first.

So please Mr Visa don't think what we don't have isn't real, it made be based over a huge distance and we may not physically have spent loads of time together, but I know damn sure what we have is amazing special ... how else have we managed to do this for over two years?!

Head down and back to swotting!

Part twelve; letter letter

Total sods law that the day after ranting and somewhat raving about not having my visa interview letter and therefore date, the next day it appears in the post. For such an important, international thing they always come in such unremarkable envelopes and the most plain looking text - when I got my first letter I actually wondered if it was real they are that plain. After all the hassle and the upset, of suddenley fearing it had all been lost in the post, i'd failed my medical but they couldn't get through to tell me, of them trying to break me and Joe up, i've been summon for interview in London on October 12th.

And you pretty much do get summoned, i've heard it's more then hard to get your interview date and time alletered, luckily it seems a good enough day to me just have to shell out yet another £200 odd pounds for the pleasure. Its also come in one day under the average processing time for this section, a massive 78 days over the average of 79.

So in just under three weeks we'll hopefully know the final outcome. My papers started being processed on January 18th 2011 so it will be just over nine months till we got to the interview date. It's been a long hard, unhappy and challenging process at times but i'm glad we have a date sorted. It helps just knowing you have something to focus towards.

If anyone knows anywhere locker, eurocar or hotels in central London, say around Marylebone across to Kings Cross south towards and around Grosvenor Square where you can leave left luggage that would be an amazing help.

Part eleven; stress.

You might have noticed I haven't blogged anything about my visa lark for about a month, well it's time to admit I'd stressed and not coping too well with it all. What topped it off today was the same woman laughing in my face for not having my interview date, it took huge effort to just not burst into tears on the shop floor.

I had a somewhat stupid idea that after having my medical everything would fal into place really quick, that I'd be having my interview around about now and moving in a month or so. Yeah right. It's this utter wall of silence from the embassy that i really can't deal with, you hear nothing, not one little word and you hear of people going through the whole process four times the speed your going through, it's just like how?! What are the secrets? Apart from angry phone calls to the embassy which while i'm tempted apparently is a very costly business [something over a pound a minute]. And everyone moans about how immigration is meant to be easy?

This somewhat delays most probably ruling out the wedding till December if not till next year. So much for the November the 10th and Chicago as the honeymoon. Everything seems to be failing. To say I'm not stressed may be somewhat of an understatement and over coming the urge for tears isn't fun. Especially at work. But that's what you get for trying to sort out a wedding before you have a visa. Now it just feels like they are trying to push us apart, i'm scared i'll never see my boy again.

What makes everything so much harder is how much I miss Joe, i'm sick of pretending to people outside of me and Joe that i'm strong and that not seeing him doesn't bother me, because in reality I hate it. I don't rant and i don't rave about our relationship because i'm not that kind of person. I actually hate it when people go on and on about their private lives, so to to other people i'm very quiet about what's occurring. But this silence is associated with a strength and a toughness that being apart doesn't bother me. I utterly hate being apart. Hate, hate, hate. It's all so incredibly hard not being with him at the moment, I know there's people in far harder and greater, and more distant relationships out there and I sound like i'm whining and moaning. I am grateful and thankful for having such an amazing guy, a guy that actually wants to make this work. It's just hard being without him physically and being able to touch him and see him when I wake up.

Guess need to pull myself together and plaster on a smile yet I know tomorrow at work I'll get the same daily question from the woman who laughed, and I just know she'll laugh at me all over again.

 Picture taken from weheartit.com

Part eight; bits and bobs

Sometime there is really nothing to do but wait. You feel stuck and unproductive, like your waiting always on other people for responses. I've been getting back on the visa forum I started using back in March, I think weirdly it corresponded to the time I started blogging again. But anyway - its good to read real life examples and experiences of people going through the same visa/immigration dilemmas as yourself. It brings it back down to reality and proves people do get out the other side and have their happy endings.

On random Sunday's I start to do odd bits of sorting, I have another look through my cupboards, donate some more clothes to the charity shop, throw out a bit more junk from my university day, find things I lost, or throw things back into hiding.The last session I rediscovered [see the first photograph] three wooden love hearts of various sizes that I must of brought Valentines day 2010, 15p and some No.17 foundation. Win!

I've been working on, on and off my powder compact notes, they use to be in a ratty ex notebook from my university days and thought they deserved something nicer. Paperchase came to the rescue and all my manufacturer, glossary, websites and history details of that little addiction of mine are all documented complete with random exploratory drawings. Now its ready to pop in the post to JJ and it's new home for an adventure with American compacts.

I have been sorting out my photographs a lot though, I know now we live in a world of digital photos, we can take and store then on numerous things but I still love looking at either pictures of myself from when I was a little girl messing in the back garden or the early pictures I use to take on my bright blue cheap wind up camera. Photographs capture a lot of memories and they have been one thing i've been determined to take as many as I can with me. Paperchase do [last picture] these little postcard plastic photograph boxes, for £1.50 they store up to 100 photographs. Perfect! Then i have all the pictures of me and Joe but they are staying put in their special album that i'll just have to lug on as hand luggage.

Then a women [who's been doing my goat at work for past few days] declared i'm seeing me and Joe through rose tinted glasses. We've been together two years next month, I know what i'm getting myself into, i'm not a teenager lost and confused. Her saying that has totally grated on me today.

Part 6. Paper cuts

Its the hellos the goodbyes, the kisses and the hugs, the last glimpse over your shoulder and the not wanting to part and walk away, but knowing someone has to make that move. The places where you're reunited in an long distance relationships can become the places you dread when you have to go your separate ways. Parting stings; hurts, everyday your counting down the hours left. Paper cuts. I can't wait to see Joe and know we never have to part ever again, knowing he'll be there when I wake up, to know there's not thousands of miles between us. Apparently it takes five weeks to get my bundle of paperwork from the centre its being worked at in America to London Embassy and then to me to get onto the next step. Five very long weeks that's going to be.

Part 5. The visa saga and an approval

Last night JJ heard from The Visa people - see I made them sound as super life-changingly-important. We weren't expecting to hear from them for ages and even last night we'd been talking about pushing the honeymoon back 'till Spring. After our delay for more information we were going by their website claims suggesting we might not hear anything for up to 60 days while they processed all the extra bits. Apparently we were being cynical in our thoughts and last night we heard that the stage one petition for my visa had been approved!

Because of the visa was "suspended" for two weeks while we went around crazy getting all the information - the crazy American sized pastport photographs and so on, we thought we'd missed the 5 month average. Perhaps not! Even with the detour we've come in under the five month part one average which is rather impressive, well four months, three weeks and two days if we're wanting to be spot on. 

No one at work really seems bothered about our news, at my end at least - for some reason they seem all against me going or perhaps think I'm going for the wrong reasons, yet other changes at work show i'm very much replaceable and the job I have was never on my plan. But that's another rant for another day. Maybe they think I'm nutters for upping and leaving everything; going to a country I've never visited, leaving friends and a job behind. My response is that life's merely too short not to go.

So the next steps all are down to me. I get so nervous and scared I'm going to mess this up - the future rests of me doing this right and there's three parts of it going wrong; a police check, medical (the scariest part) and finally an interview. Gah all so big and scary. I know I should tackle every part individually and do it step by step just to get my head around it rather then stressing like I am. Luckily some of the real life cases I've read about have stories stating people have been able to get through this last stage within eight weeks - so maybe, just maybe in three months (after working my boring notice out) I might, just might get to move. Here's to hoping but for now I'm just thankful we got through the first stage!

This news has totally set off my weekend, shame i'm working tomorrow and Sunday looks like a total washout! Have a lovely weekend xx

Part 4. Refiled

This weeks been filled within running through hoops to get all our paper work; photographs and evidence properly resorted for refiling for my visa application. I've become slightly paranoid wanting to recheck everything they state they wanted. Guess I don't want my forms to be halted any more. Just want it sorted.

First up was getting an American sized passport photograph - of course it was super-sized by being 2" squared and therefore required going to a photo studio to get them taken and developed. This trip coincided with hitting the streets the day of a HUGE downpour (the first of the week) so I look rather drench and ragged. I would post it on here but I look like a convict, but its got to the point of not caring what it looks like. 

With finance visas you have to photographically prove your relationship - mostly by having photographs taken within 6 months of the visa processing date - for us that's anything six months before January 2011. Its kind of hard trying to switch your mind to being analytical about your pictures when trying to remember dates and times. Not only that but having the person who did the initial filing - to have photocopied proof of travelling/visiting the other partner. That means photocopying passport stamps, boarding passes, tickets. Its good luck we'd managed to keep any of these things, yet alone be able to find them. 

Its weird seeing pictures of yourself as evidence, all the pictures were only from last August but they seem a life time away. I guess if we knew properly how long this would of all taken we'd of filed the papers straight after these holidays or just have got married in March.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, we just have to focus in this step for now. 

A tale of a long distance relationship and trust

 

Once people realise or they find out i'm in an long distance relationship (UK to USA - if your new to this place) they always wonder or think it's weird how I can trust someone I can't physically be with for most of the year. Apparently merely saying "I just do" is too hard to believe. Or understand. 

Some people will never understand, or want to understand, and that's their prerogative. But and I'll borrow a line from my favourite band flyleaf "true love overcomes all fear". If what you have is real, true and is truly what [both] you want then you can trust. And it's not a trust that has to be naive or blind. A guy, or a girl for that matter can cheat whether you live in the same house or a million miles away from each other. If a persons intent on doing it, distance doesn't have to be a factor in the slightest.

But there isn't a magic point or key that will get you to that level of trust. Nothing magically occurred between me and Joe that got us to that level, it just came from us and what we have. I know and believe what we have is so magic that neither of us would ruin it. That trust has to come from inside you. Maybe to some extent it has to be gained too from both sides of the couple; but that, as in any other relationship comes with time. 

Personally I think if you've found a guy [or girl again - just to say i'm not being sexist]  that's more then certainly keen and bothered about being in a long distance relationship why would he then go and cheat? It wouldn't be worth their time or effort to keep up that presence.

But then again, what do I know? According to some, just a naive knowledge of love.

image taken from here

Part 3. Visa visa laaaa

Feels at the moment I can at least do weekly updates on the whole visa lark. I guess if there's anyone else out there that's going through this or wanting to see a real life example maybe they'll stumble across this and it'll help seeing a guide. Or maybe just show everyone how darn hard it is to be an immigrant in the 2010s.

At least you could now say we heard from them, but wasn't overly positive - then again I'm a die hard cynic. We were today presented with the words "Request for evidence". Reading that all important small print a request for more evidence is normally required when; 

"... an application/petition is lacking required documentation/evidence (initial evidence) or the officer needs more documentation/evidence (additional evidence) to determine an applicant's eligibility for the benefit sought ..." 

apparently we fall into the later category for both me and Joe. Firstly they need more proof about me and who I am - well photographic evidence. But then you remember USA passport photographs are bigger then the British ones are (it wouldn't be simple to be the same would it?!) and photographic evidence of us as a couple. Oh and more proof of Joe actually being American of all things. I know they have their reasons and they are just following the rules. Just gets me down a little knowing my case is being held "in suspense until we receive the evidence or the opportunity to submit it expires". 

It's back to all being one step at a time. I just want to post some happy news about visas sometime soon. So I guess trying to move countries isn't as easy as the newspapers and scare mongers would have you believe. On a happier note its my weekend off work so me and Joe are up watching animee films together - it's something we do to equalise the distance for a few hours, just chatting on msn watching Studio Ghibli films.

Anyone have any exciting plans for the weekend?!

Part 2. And don't phone back ...

Oh look me again!

[this post was reblogged due to blogger being idoitic and loosing posts and comments - gutted!]

At three months and three weeks into the visa application proper, I've come to finally realise why the fall out rate of some American visas [it currently stands at 6% for the K1 fiancée] visa is just that or why more importantly people just get married and then move. Because of the looooooong time-scale. Yet the system is very lax and tight lipped with telling you what is going on, when it's occurring and to a point; why. The first five months of waiting is apparently we learnt today to check Joe out rather then me. To see if he's a fraudulent person. I really do wonder what they have to check out that takes them that long. Yet the person migrating, ie me in theory, could get through the medical and interviews in approximately eight weeks. How does that work?!

Sometimes I really do wonder if any visa processing people have ever had a long distance relationship. Its not a dig at them, I just wonder if they realise how hard they are, yet alone having to do one and do the visa process. Your sat in somewhat no man's land waiting for a sign, a motion, anything. 

Don't dare ring up and ask what is occurring through and don't at all dare and ring back before the five month wait is up. So the happy American official told Joe today. Apparently enquiring into their silence isn't the done thing. We have to be English and wait. God forsake those people who knew nothing about this first five month period.

Thing is, when you don't know the system, and you feel slightly young in comparison to the mass people you hear about doing the K1 visa, it's all very daunting. Sometimes I wish it all came with a help guide.

But I guess that means one month and a week before we can ring them.

Better store that number.

Image taken from here

Treading water

fyi - New Look white cardi with red and blue bows and blue and white striped woolen bow top, also from New Look

Long distance relationships tend to get "harder" at certain times of year. Those special ones that you're meant to share with the ones you love. Not so much valentines day I'm still too cynical with that but I mean christmas and birthdays. This weekends been JJ's birthday (he's getting old reaching the grand old age of 26) and I wish more then anything I was there just to see him opening the presents I got him. To make him a cake. To take him out and spoil him even if that does mean giving in and buying him a tonne more transformers. Over a year and a half into our relationship and we still haven't been face to face for either of our birthdays.  For my last birthday I was a lucky girl and got a HUGE box from him full of pressies and a gorgeous gorgeous bunch of flowers. I want my visa to get here in time for mine. So that gives us a deadline for the end of September.

I want to turn 25 in America.

But I want never gets?

Plus I have a mother that seems to be going off mine and Joe's relationship by the day. She's even conveniently forgotten it's his birthday. The quote of putting heads in sand comes to mind.

Part 1. Silence is more musical than any song.

I wonder, well somewhat doubt that Christina Rossetti was taking about the silence from USA embassy paperwork people being anything near musical and singing triumphant songs. But silence is all you can sometimes hear. I've never been a girl of patience, I hate waiting for things even though you know it will happen and you count down the hours, the days, even the seconds to make things happen now. What is worse is when there is nothing at all you can do to hurry things along.

It's worse when it's all out of your hands. 

Visa's are merely a waiting game. Each step, or "stage in your application" has an average time-line you can log onto and compare. I guess the average for my visa (the k-1 fiancée visa) is they claim anywhere between 6 and 18 months, depending on various random factors. To be honest I think it's down to chance. Some people have got through the system in 90 days - I have no, no idea how they managed that but i'd love their luck. All you can do is fill your paper work step by step and wait. 

Wait.

Wait.

And wait some more. 

We're three months in and haven't heard anything. You don't even know if you're heading in the right direction or where you are in the processing line. 

I'm not even really allowed into America at the moment, not without proving i'll defiantly definitely leave. What is even harder is trying to sort out a wedding and a honeymoon with no idea when you'll actually be moving but having to get married within three months of landing in the land of immigration.Good job we've only ever really wanted a small wedding and hopefully we can fling most of it all together within a month of me getting there. I better get back to crocheting that shawl again ... fast.

Me and Joe have never been conventional and I don't think our new life starting out together over here is going to be anywhere near traditional. Probably a good thing we like it that way.

Tick

Detroit Disassembled Andrew Moore

Its weird how time changes or even how reality can change time. The above pictures eerie spooky - a long forgotten clock from some unknown place in Detroit, somewhat forgotten. Now it stands still hanging, damp and time melting it's face, standing time still.

The last few days have been dragging, that's in contrast to the last few weeks whizzing downwards even when you take to creating one of them online timers the numbers just seem too huge to comprehend. But why would time be wanting to drag now - that's because the OH is over on Friday! Yey three sleeps away. So until then time is seriously dragging then again it doesn't seem like its been since last August since I last saw him yeap that long. Yet I know our holiday is going to whisk away in a second and it'll be the day before he flies back and I'll wonder where the 11 days went. The days will be over before we have chance to catch our breath.  

But the hardest part of an LDR is having to say goodbye.

Image taken from here

LIFE: How to Keep Long Distance Relationships Working

Loads of people always ask how me and Joe make our long distance relationship (LDR) working and heading in the right direction. No matter the distance, some people are merely apart for the weekdays and together at weekends, some don't see there partners for months at a time (I fall into the latter) there's ways of making the situation more bearable, its a relationship status and situation that will never be "easy" and there's no magic way of making it workable. Nor do LDRs have a magic bubble around them that limits the normal stresses and strains that a relationship has, like any relationship it has it's up and downs, but there's good times to be had.

I'm not claiming these to be the magic parts or elements to making and LDR work, it's just the live, living experiences and things we've done to make our LDR work to the extent that it has.

• Know the bigger picture. Okki this can be dominating if you've just got into a relationship but with and LDR probably more then a conventional relationship you need to know where it's heading. It saves the heartache in the long term knowing that you either want the same things, that you're working towards the same goal but that eventually this relationship won't always be subject to distances. You don't need to decide from the off who will be moving to who, just be aware that something has to give at some point. 
• Don't let your relationship be all about the distance. Its easy for people outside of the relationship to merely define it by the lack of physical connection, but there's still a relationship there, remember what you have, that you're a couple and that your together.
• Always be honest. Don't use the distance as a way to mask your thoughts or feelings. You can't be scared of saying things of the distance or scared of upsetting the balance. If your worrying, or your scared or your missing your other half, then let them know - they'll probably be feeling the same thing their self. 

• Write love letters. There's a certain thrill of getting things through the post from one another, even if its just an "I love you" or a piece of chocolate. It's just the knowing that even with the distance there's still physical things you can still do and touch from each other. Letter writing now seems to be a lost art, but its very cherished in my relationship at least. 
• Modern communication is your best friend.  There's no excuse to not be in touch, sometimes I think LDR couples are more in touch and stronger for it then their non LDR counterparts. To the extent that we don't play the texting games of waiting hours to reply. But there's not only texts, emails, Skype, web-cams, msn, ebuddy - there's everything and anything you could need and for free (or for cheap). there's brilliant deals out there if you look for them. 
• Positivity is key. If you go into an LDR with a cynical mind you'll get nowhere. While its easy to get down and focus on the distance or the lack of things your doing in comparison to others, it gets you no where. You need to be positive in believing what you have and share as a couple. 

These aren't the be all of ideas and ways to make an LDR work, nothing can be taught or suggested to make it work, it really most often is just down to the two people involved. If your BOTH willing and wanting a relationship to work you can regardless of distance. And to people who question how you can trust your partner when there's that much distance - people cheat regardless of distance, it won't make them do it any more of any less. 

So what, my relationship isn't normal?

I keep coming up against people that seem to have some kind of issue with my relationship. It's nothing they say up front but you can tell they have a problem with it. Or even if they don't know my totally circumstances, they have stances and viewpoints which knock down and flatten my known way of being and living. 

None of the issues/stances are things I believe in myself. Every relationship is totally different, their circumstances and what's taken two people to that point is always different and can't be so easily defined as, well they've been together x number of years so they have to be at this point in their relationship, anything further is too risky and anything less is obviously frigid.

Me and JJ fall into the former point, so we're obviously risking everything and acting like love sick teenagers. Yeah but we're 24/25 - not really teenagers.

[Background - we're in a huge Long Distance Relationship (LDR) with me in the UK, my Joe in America, we got engaged after a year of being together, and we hoping to get married autumn this year.] 

Apparently we fail in a number of ways; 

• Long distance relationships are always seen and watched from afar with judgement. I always get asked how do I know he's not cheating on me? How can I trust him? Why can I be bothered when I rarely seem him? Apparently people forget what love is all about, just because you can't be with that person in person, it doesn't mean you love them any less. 
• Getting engaged after a year - how can you know someone that well to know you want to marry them after that amount of tine. When you're with the one, you just know. Back in the day people got married yet alone engaged after months. 
• By having a small wedding - apparently goes against the grain and you should know invite a million and five people to your wedding, just because. We're having 20 people there, deal with it we're not getting married for the sake of having a big do, we're getting married because we love each other. We're both shy people we'd hate all the attention of a big thing, we just want our closest, most important people to be there to spend the day with.
• Oh yeah and not even having a wedding on a budget, apparently you can't have "proper" weddings on anything less then £15,000, we're doing ours on £2000 maximum, because we refuse to get into loads of debt. 
• But how can we afford to get married when we can't even live together? Yet along getting married before we've even lived together. So because I haven't lived with JJ that means I know NOTHING about him, or his habits, or his quirks. 
• Not wanting a traditionally all white dress causes issues too.

Sometimes it feels like your always hitting a brick wall. It's not that I want to meet or match everyone's expectations of what a relationship or wedding should be. Just wanting a little more respect. Relationships should be welcomed and enjoyed whatever way they appear.