.... just who your friends are. Sad but true. I also apologise if this ends up being a long unreadable rant but it's been bugging me a little on the inside and it's time to let it out. I want to have the guts to post the title of this post on my facebook so the so called "friends" could see. Could see that all their apparent promises to keep in touch etc were just literally nothing. While I ranted here on LOTS many a time about my old work "mates" a fair few of them commented on my leaving how we'll all stay in touch. The actual amount that has - one. Should I really be surprised? Probably not, but I am upset that one of the girls that I actually thought was my friend hasn't bothered for months.
Although moving countries is all new and exciting, I got to be with my guy, I got married and we did a fair bit of traveling in that first two months. But I always made the time to comment on people's facebook status and send them emails etc. I know it's two way but I'm sure I always took the time to still be in touch. While moving is exciting, when you don't really know people, you still want to know about and be in touch with the people that matter to you no matter where you are in the world.
This is were I feel like my blogger/twitter friends are some of the most thoughtful and amazing people I've ever met. All the food parcels and best wishes, all the comments of good lucks and questions about settling into American life has always comes from blogger friends. There's not been one offer of a food parcel from my in real life friends, no asking how life is, no Christmas cards even though they asked for my address. Nothing. Not a single thing.
I'm not sure what this says about me or my friends to be honest. Maybe I'm not worthy of proper friends? It sure makes me feel that way. Maybe I need to stop taking people on their word and/or trusting people.
But while I'm bitter about them, this is a post to say thank you for all the love, best wishes, offers of food swaps and general inquires about how a Yorkshire gal is doing in the old Michigan land.
Hi Rachael, I moved from Minnesota to Bournemouth over a year ago and experienced the same thing. When I first moved, I e-mailed or Skyped almost weekly with my close friends, but then I stopped getting replies and the weekly turned into more of a monthly thing. It really is hard and sad when it seems like you're the only one putting any effort into a friendship(some of these friends I've known since I was 7 years old!). I don't know if it's the same with you, but I am the only one in my close friend group (from back in the states) who is married and I think that has made a difference as well. I know it's not much help, but you're not alone! xx
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input. I know it's like I thought me and some of these friends were really tight and then the friendship just vanishes. Maybe it would have regardless of the distance but it does make you wonder if the move was the reason. And I just think if I stop with this other friend too - then that will die as well.
DeleteI know how hard it is to move - even if mine was a short distance it was hard, but bmybe this'll give you the opportunity to build up some real friendship groups who won't disapear if you need to move again. Are there many bloggers in your area you can connect with?
ReplyDeleteAnd I run a great line in exporting Henderson's Relish outside of Sheffield, and have been known to ship confectionery as far as Canada {http://shuttercal.com/calendar/ohgoshem/2012/1/} so if you ever want any you have my email - just holla! xx
Yeah I hope that's true too about making true friends out here. There isn't really many bloggers around the Detroit region or at least not one's that I've come across.
DeleteDon't say you aren't worth proper friends - they are the problem, not you. If you have put in the effort to keep in contact with them then it is up to them to realise they are the people who are missing out, and that it is their loss not to be friends with someone like you! Keep your chin up, focus on all the positive things that have happened - getting married and travelling - and try to enjoy yourself. Hope everything works out for you!
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Your right, I think it's because I'm not working so I don't have that distraction so my mind wanders off and does think about the other side of the happy new life. I've only ever wanted people to be happy and supportive of me, my move and everything else but sometimes that just seems the hardest thing to ask of people.
Deleteim sorry some friend have let you down. I've been reading hrough your blog and what an amazing & exciting adventure youve had! its a shame if not everyone has been supportive x
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I always wanted to hold onto parts of my past life if you want to see it that way, like my friends but maybe it's time to cut the cord.
DeleteDon't be hard on yourself (easier said than done), it's their problem not you. Although it was on a smaller scale I faced the same thing when I moved to Oxford. I got lots of 'we'll keep in touch' but even though I messaged them they never bothered. It's sad, but you need to focus on your new amazing life. You have the husband of your dreams, two adorable cats and blogger friends who hang on your every word and want to know everything about your new life (well I do anyway).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you feel like this. Hope it all gets better.
If you want some stuff sent over let me know, I'm more than happy to oblige!
xx
Yeah it happened once before when moving to university too but not to such an extent. Having the kitties does help loads though - they really are great company!
DeleteThere is no way on Earth that you are not worth proper friends - you're really not the one at fault here, I know we all lead busy lives but firing off a quick Facebook message or email, or even just sending a tweet to keep in touch takes so little effort/time - it's sad that people back home just haven't been bothered. I think that says more about them than it does about you though lovely! Keep smiling -the people who do make the effort become all the more valuable!
ReplyDeleteJem xXx
Facebook really doesn't help, because I know they are all using it and I post the random comment/status/photograph and yeah I do get comments back but not from the people who I thought I was really close to. Its the other people in my social circles that seem interested. So very odd!
DeleteIt's such a shame and so sad that it has turned out that way. there have been times in my life whe i have felt isolated its so shocking how one person can feel like they have a huge group of friends, then one thing changes and its all gone but i promise you will have agroupd of friends again. maybe not the same ones and whilst that is sad you shouldnt try and hold on to it. stapposertive lovely and you have tons of blogger/twitter friends here for you. lots of love danielle xxx
ReplyDeleteps I hope this comment makes a tiny bit of sense! x
It does make sense my love and i'm so very grateful for all my blogger and twitter friends - they really do help!
DeleteI suspect part of it is envy. You're off living a new life in a new place and they're still where you left them. I started my own business recenlty and someone I thought was a close friend reacted very oddly. She never once asked about my business or encouraged or supported me in any way and my texts and messages often went unanswered. I eventually put it down to envy as I was doing something she'd always wanted to do. We no longer speak but I've come to realise she wasn't a real friend and I did nothing wrong. I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends, and don't forget, you still have the great friends from home who DID stay in touch :-)
ReplyDeleteThat's what I thought about a little. But then again to me, they have a better job then I had, they have the babies and the house. A lot of people never understood why I was willing to move countries just for a guy so I think that might rub off on the whole thing too - giving up my country, money and my job. But that was always my decision and they knew that from the off.
DeleteOh hun If your old 'friends' have forgotten about you...you do them same and forget about them. They were definitely not worth it! I know how you feel...I moved away from home and someone I thought was a real friend who I had supported through all the crap she had been thru, didnt even bother to call me or even email to find out how I was doing until about a month after I moved. I didnt move to a different country so its not like its a long distance call. Since then I have realised that she is very good at keeping in touch but only in an artificial 'hi and bye' kinda way and not interested in how I am really feeling. After everything she had been thru and everything I did to try and help her I was gutted and now even though I do think about what happened I dont let it get to me. I just appreciate my true friends so much and so everything I can to show them how much I care. I hope you make some amazing friends in your new life in the US. And I completely agree, the blogging community really is filled with such wonderful generous people...I feel so happy to have found this world and made new friends. Keep smiling! xx
ReplyDeleteSo true. It always makes me consider deleting my Facebook or at least really not using it to block that friendship. And i'd rather have a proper friendship then like you mentioned that hi and bye - there never seems to be that longing to know things about the other person. Situations like this really do make you value people and what's really important in your life.
Deleteyeah I've stopped updating my facebook altogether now and have thought about closing my account but I am just too nosy for that lol! Plus I need my FB profile for my blog page too. You're absolutely right, they do make you value your real friends and hey girl...enjoy your new adventure...you will make lots of new friends along the way! :-)xx
DeleteI went through a time in my life where I pretty much got ditched by all my "real life" friends. They didn't think I was living the right kind of life that I should have been living and I didn't want to have friends that would judge me like that.
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me at how different the blog world is. When I lost my job two years ago everyone rallied around me. When I announced my divorce, I got comments and tweets and emails and texts, people who have never met me offering their sympathies, advice and just shoulders to cry on.
I don't know why it is that the blog world is so supportive when friends we've known for years aren't. But it is pretty amazing.
You always hope that are the hardest times you're friends will be there to help pull you through. Sulks when the situation arises they rarely are. Lease we both have come to see their true colours.
Deleteits not that you're not worthy of proper friends its that you deserve better friends, real friends. I'm glad that you got your happy ending being in america with your boy. I'm sure there are a bunch of lovely people out there just waiting to become your friend, a true friend. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Char, I know I need to keep remembering how lucky I have been.
Deletei agree with the comment above, friends who don't make an effort are not worth the effort back, as long as you have the support from your lovely husband, you'll be absolutely fine, and yes blogger friends are always there! x
ReplyDeleteSo true, Joe has been amazing through everything and to be honest he's one of the few people who "get" me and understand all my quirky ways.
DeleteI've experienced a similar thing but from both sides. I had a friend who moved 300 miles away when we finished school and said she would keep in touch but never did even though me and everyone else from our friendship group tried to keep in touch with her. By coincidence I moved to the same town as her when I started uni, and I tried really hard to get back in touch with her, but she was too busy with her new life to be bothered with me. I've also had an experience sort of like the one you're having - when I moved away to uni everyone from my group of friends basically stopped talking to me, then all still saw each other but I was never invited and my messages were never replied to.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to work at building new friendships and a lot of the time it's really hard because I feel completely alone (because I haven't really made any friends at uni), but I keep having to remind myself that I'm better off without them because if they're not willing to put any effort in to maintaining a friendship then they're not worthy of being my friends.
I definitely don't think that you're not worthy of having proper friends, because you said you have lots of online friends and while a lot of people might discount that and say they're not "real" friends, I think the fact that people care enough to ask how you are and suchlike shows that you are more than capable of making and keeping friendships!
Keep your chin up :)
I think one of the hardest things about life is what happens when people move one. Its human nature to want to change and adapt and experience and we often forget about the people around us. But without the friends to share these moments with then life gets a little dull.
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ReplyDeleteOh dear I'm sorry Michigan isn't closer to New York because I would totally be your daily life, get coffee, go to estate sales friend! I can't tell you how many times this has happened to friends of mine and I'm ever so sorry it has happened to you. My boyfriend's cousin literally moved from NJ to NY, not 20 minutes from her old house and her friends are not the way they used to be. It's sad. Moving is like leaving high school. You really do find out who your true friends are. *BIG HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI know, how ace would that have been if we were close?! Darn the mid west state!
DeleteIt really is sad that friends who you would have considered to be good friends have lost contact and shown so little effort since you have moved. All you have to remember is that the people who do care are the ones that matter. I have lost so many friendships- simply because we have left college or moved on, it’s almost like people just turn off and forget about the times that were spent together. I would like to think I make a good friend, and even though I have been hurt by certain people, I still am willing to give people a chance given they make some effort xxx
ReplyDeleteI think some people forget friendships are a two way thing.
DeleteI've experienced this as well, my friends have all scattered all over the UK at the moment, I'm the only one that decided to stay at home and work and learn lol. I try my hardest to keep in touch but they never really answer back. I'm not even asking for much, just a text or fb message here and there but what I don't like is seeing them using their mobile on fb, twitter ect but can't reply? rant over. I guess you can just focus on making friends where you are and your relationship and live in the knowledge that you have tried your hardest with people, at the end of the day it's their loss.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the long comment, new subscriber :) xx
See that's what really bugs me - when I know they are using the facebook and whatever, when they can't even reply a little hello or whatever.
DeleteThanks for the new follow :D
I know I'm late to the party but I still wanted to comment - I just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean, and I've had the same problems and been let down by some people I really didn't expect to see it coming from. Its hard enough moving away with the stress and change of life, but the lack of support is extremely hurtful. I guess the best I can say is I sympathise but some people obviously just aren't what they seem and you deserve better. You have a lovely hubby and you made the right move for you - if people cant be supportive and understand that then that's definitely their problem not yours. Xxx
ReplyDeletei'm totally with you on the 'moving abroad and staying in touch with old friends' experience. i've actually moved back to england now but whilst i was living in canada i sometimes felt like my friends from home didn't keep in touch as much as i would have liked because they just assumed i'd be so busy having a good time abroad that it wasn't necessary to talk so often. i think that until you've actually lived abroad it's difficult to understand the many emotions you experience whilst being so far away from home. the feeling of loving your new country whilst also feeling very nostalgic about your old one. i'm really enjoying reading your blog. your posts are very honest and inspiring :) x
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