LIFE: Today Is Like Any Other Day

For us, today is like any other day. I'll not make the bed, i'll moan about either ebay, the snow, the temperature - or all of them several times, play with the kitties and then we'll be having a pizza take out. Not because it's valentines but because Friday is always date night around ours. We won't be swapping cards, buying gifts, or even pronouncing and wishing each other a happy valentines.

You may call us cynical, but we're not. Managing a long distance relation for two years yet alone all the paperwork (lets not think of all the fees we paid) to be together, living in the same country and both wanting it, I don't need to another card to remind me. We have our anniversaries, our weekly date night, tickle fights, Joe driving me around estate sales every week, believing in me every day - I know that he loves me. 

Joe influences and helps me grow as a person daily - hell before him I'd never even read a comic, ate mac n cheese, liked hot dogs or ice cream, I turned my nose up at science books, Star Trek and probably would have given up blogging years ago. 

Yes I'm one of those cynical people that believe love should be shared and spoke of daily - it's shared through the little things, not because Hallmark, retail store or media outlet yet alone blogger is telling you so. 

So today might be February the 14th, but it's pizza day and Joe has the day off as a long weekend with Monday being some national holiday - Presidents Day I believe, and that's my kind of day. Actually take today to be reminded of the real history behind Valentine's Day - a day celebrated in many Christian denominations in remembrance of the Valentine martyrs of Rome (typically between AD 95 - AD 500) - with no romantic link to it's origins until the 14th century with Chaucer's "Valentines" poetry - were the sacrifice of the martyrs was sadly and still nearly always remains forgotten. Fast forward to 1797 and the British went full steam ahead into the mass, commercialised Valentines giving of cards.

If you want a blast from the past - here's my ways of how we copied in a long distance relationship.

How will you be spending your February the 14th?

US

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident".

Our wedding day and one of our readings from Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

Treading water

fyi - New Look white cardi with red and blue bows and blue and white striped woolen bow top, also from New Look

Long distance relationships tend to get "harder" at certain times of year. Those special ones that you're meant to share with the ones you love. Not so much valentines day I'm still too cynical with that but I mean christmas and birthdays. This weekends been JJ's birthday (he's getting old reaching the grand old age of 26) and I wish more then anything I was there just to see him opening the presents I got him. To make him a cake. To take him out and spoil him even if that does mean giving in and buying him a tonne more transformers. Over a year and a half into our relationship and we still haven't been face to face for either of our birthdays.  For my last birthday I was a lucky girl and got a HUGE box from him full of pressies and a gorgeous gorgeous bunch of flowers. I want my visa to get here in time for mine. So that gives us a deadline for the end of September.

I want to turn 25 in America.

But I want never gets?

Plus I have a mother that seems to be going off mine and Joe's relationship by the day. She's even conveniently forgotten it's his birthday. The quote of putting heads in sand comes to mind.

I dream a dream of a wedding

I think, well I'm assuming that one thing a lot of us twenty something girlies [or even not so twenty something girlies] daydream about and imagine our a wedding. Before meeting Joe I will openly admit I wasn't ever dreaming of a wedding or even a relationship that would get me anywhere near thinking of marrying, I never thought myself capable of getting that close to someone. But my guys changed not only my world but my outlook, he is the guy I wanna marry and I want to spend the rest of my life by his side, as his wife. Getting married per say won't add anything, it'll just cement our love and our life together.

In a way we are doing things in a back to front manner, [hey we aren't normal] we've always been very open about our relationship and our dreams and were we see ourselves heading. We both want to get married and we know just about when give or take this will happen [next year] we're just not engaged. But that's more boring logistical and practical reasons more then anything. [a little love birdie says this will be occurring by the end of the year].

Thing is since I have started picturing a wedding in my mind, I've always known that ait wouldn't be like the traditional big grand affair. I sometimes think i'm one of the few people who want to get married for the love of my guy, too many wedding occasions seem to be appearing to be about the big show, the big party, the big budget [then again I am cynical in my youth] and there is no way I'd want to spend more then £5k on a wedding, yet along £15k [ours will probably be done under $1k for sure].

I guess I have that standpoint from growing up in a totally unclose family - too many members seem to hate each other and half wouldn't come to a wedding that they knew the other half were attending. Then again I just despise of the notion of being hassled and poked into this or that dress, or having god knows what table centres that matches the bridesmaid dresses which matches the ties of god knows who. Then we have the added issue of my family being English, JJ's family being American. Unless a sudden island appears in the middle of the Atlantic in the next few months [that isn't an iceberg] practically not everyone will be there. In all honesty i'm not overly fussed. But that is how I am. Maybe we'll just run away and not tell anyone which is secretly what I want more then anything - just the mother would hate me [grrr].

I guess i'm writing all this here and sticking all these photographs of ideas here because I guess that is what my blog is for, I can't really post about it all over faceache.

So I guess my wedding wish list is;

A vintage/vintage inspired dress - it really doesn't have to be white.
To make my heirloom crochet lace wedding shawl myself - so in a way the dress will be styled around the shawl.

With a bouquet of gerbera daisies [Daisy by Marc Jacobs being the scent I spray my love notes to JJ]
Home made wedding invites
With photographs, oh so many photographs
And for our honeymoon [one element we are working on already] is our first proper roadtrip in the states around Pennsylvania.

But no matter the figure on the guest list or the length of the honeymoon, I want pictures, so so many pictures to keep of our happy day!

Do you dream of our own wedding?

Daydreams

Sometimes daydreams are the best way to escape reality .. and sometimes they need to hardly be explained ...

from relaxing in a special London park in the summer ...

having our first mini [weekend away] holiday in Newcastle ...

through being utterly in love together and having London be the start of our life together ...

and being able to show that love over and over ...
being able to say it out loud ...

and sealing it for forever ...

What are your daydreams?

The vintage film kiss

Sorry i've been utterly neglectful of my blog this week - its a mixture of totally hitting a brick wall with inspiration and just trying to relax and getting my body into some kinda of normality.

But anyway ...

They say, well The Times says that a death of the big screen death as occurred. Apparently it died in the 1970s due to the cult of the indie film, so why has nobody noticed or commented on it before. I guess we all want sex sex sex, so the simple yet passionate kiss disappearance has gone unnoticed. That is until you remember the kisses of;

Breakfast at Tiffany'sGone with the WindBetty Grable and Victor Mature - Footlight Sernade

Kiss of Death

From Here to Eternity.

So do you think the classic kiss is lacking in the films of today? Or are they just as noteworthy?

LIFE: Random Wishes ....

... of things to achieve in my life in no particular order maybe most of them by the time I'm 30 [if not 35!]. I'm totally lacking blog inspiration at the moment being ill for the past however weeks gets me thinking;

#1. Move in with JJ. #2. Visit PA & Falling Water. #3. Stay in a cottage by the sea. #4. Own some [tiny] piece of Tiffany jewellery. #5. Be a qualified dispenser. #6. Marry my guy. #7. Finish that book I started writing ages ago [I really must dig that out again].

#8. Learn to knit.

#9. Try and become somewhat green fingered. #10. Own my own vintage shop come traditional English tea room. #11. Honeymoon in London in a posh hotel. #12. Pay off all my debts [practical and somewhat boring I know!]. #13. Visit Russia.

#14. Engage in baking and making cupcakes and cakes on weekends.

#15. Have babies. #16. Dine in the Ritz. #17. Print off all my blog entries and comment and keep them in a folder to keep for the future [I did start this and somehow stopped]. #18. Have that gingerbread man/women wedding cake. #19. Visit the Camden Passage Market. #20. Finally get around to seeing Mr and Mrs Andrews in the flesh [well hanging from the wall]. #21. Own our own 1930s home.

#22. Visit Paris.

#23. Adopt a child. #24. Learn which constellation is actually which. #25. Get my firefly and laurel flower tattoo. #26. Finally sort out and label all my photographs so I have at least some mild idea of who and where they were all taken.

What are your random wishes?

High Bouncing Lover

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry 'Lover, gold hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!'

Thomas Parke d'Invillers

A shell of memories

In the past four weeks I've been dealing with the silence from THE vanishing act. I will admit I haven't posted much about it, or even about him on here. Sometimes - I really think He isn't worth mentioning.

Four weeks on and my world still feels crazy. I have become an insomniac - this is coming from a girl who loved sleep and could sleep for hours. Yet its now something that has bypassed my daily needs. He still finds a way into my thoughts, little things, going to a museum that I know he'd of enjoyed, seeing somewhere were we went together, something about his football club on the news. And while currently packing my life into boxes and carrier bags for home, today I happened to stumble upon a plain little shell that He gave me on our first dates to the coast.

So this got me thinking - just what are you meant to do with the things a guy (or girl) gives you after you've broken up? They might be simple things - tickets of places you both went together, presents, little gifts, just things that make a memory. I came in my last relationship to acquire perfumes, shells and Luella purse to name but some. Not being materialistic in my origins, to be given purses on your second date did make an impression - yet now its an impression which makes me consider and assume, that what he was doing was buying me into bed.

Do you, or are you meant to throw them all away? Do you hide them? Or keep these things as a reminder of what you did have? Of what you had before everything went wrong.

Of course whether you keep them will be somewhat dependent on why the relationship ended. But can you remove the personal attachments? The memories from an object? Seeing an object, a ticket a present can return your mind back to a point in the past, of feelings, emotions, joys or loss. The sense of loss may perhaps be held in the constant sight of this object. Normally a perfume bottle would be fine - one is even Channel (wooooo) but because of the memories of him giving me it, I see the bottle - and I see him.

I started thinking about throwing them all away (OK maybe not the Channel) but it seems a waste. But then I don't want the constant reminders (I'm a contradiction remember!!). The guy before him - well he gave me one of his personalised swim team shirt, I loved it, I slept in it - it smelt of him and made him feel closer to me. Yet when he too pulled a fast one, the shirt and all the other stuff from him all went in the bin. Now months on from that relationship ending - I really wish I hadn't, I don't really know why, I just think I miss just having it because of the good memories that came with it. The relationship might have ended bad, but the memories were good.

So four weeks on - maybe it is too soon to decide what to do with the things. Maybe seven months later the attachments of him, of the ending, of his stupidity might have vanished (just like him). Until then Channel is my perfume of choice.

Vanishing Acts

When your in love, your with someone who's presence and aura you love being around, they make you smile, happy, comfy in your skin. You think just maybe he might be something different to the other guys, you know them idiots who have broken your heart - let you down, screwed you around and confused you. You think, maybe everything will be just right. Everything seems right, well it seems more then right, you go out, you go away, you talk and make plans for the future, he says his spare room can be your office when he gets around to fixing the damp, he says he'll take you to Paris and Italy. He says he loves you.

And then, when everything is going well, when your feet are firmly fixed into this relationship. He Vanishes.

First you think, okay he's just busy - his phones probably dead, broken maybe. So he'll ring, email or text when he can. Sure he will - he wouldn't just vanish would he?! Then the days roll on, and he's still not being in touch. He really has pulled the vanishing act on you. Thing is - I'm getting to be a bit of a sucker for these guys who like to pull the vanishing act - and it's not by choice, it's just that i seem to have fallen for two in the past twelve months. I think I need to rethink my relationships. Or at least, my choice of men.

So you start to internalise everything - was there something I did wrong. What didn't I do, or what thing, or action did I do that was so bad, so wrong that would force a guy to just - well just literally vanish. Don't get me wrong I didn't just sit around waiting by my phone for him to get in touch. I texted, I rang (for the phone to be slammed down) and I emailed. but not to the amount that would make me appear crazy- I'm not that crazy. Yet to only to be met with a blank wall of silence. Sometimes silence really does say more then the words "You're dumped".

So you're left with no answer. No answer is what you'll always be left with for trying to understand why things went wrong. You start to feel utterly worthless - why don't I deserve a reason, did I mean NOTHING to him so I don't even deserve to know why?! You're helplessly less in a state of purgatory. Not knowing which way to look, to turn or go to. You have to suddenly see yourself as single, what reason do you even tell your friends. To say he vanished on YOU sounds - well it seemed to me kinda pathetic - that it was my fault. Then you have to see, well try and see its HIM with the problem - he's not got the balls to tell you when things were going wrong.

Okay granted I think I may have been somewhat viewing my "relationship" through rose tinted glasses, over the past few months he was gradually getting more distant and kept backing away. Maybe he was a love them, f#@k them and leave them kinda guy, maybe he might my replacement. Maybe - well maybe he just wasn't that much into me. To be honest one thing that's made me see sense is the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo "He's just not that into you" - to be honest I wish I had stumbled across this book years ago - it would have saved me enough confusion and tears to have lasted a life time.

The moral of the story - if a guy is into you - he will let you know.

The moral of my story - my guy wasn't into me, and he was letting me know that so so very clearly.

I've battled for days in the past two weeks wondering what to do. Strength and friends have stopped me from getting in contract with him. And still nothing from him. I'm resound to the fact that I probably never will get one reason why and I no longer feel the need to try and get him to get in touch with me - maybe that's just my current state of mind. Maybe he just doesn't deserve to hear from me.

The thing to remember is that it isn't your fault. That there are guys out there that will give you a reason if there ever needs to be one. I'm speaking this from two idiots worth of experience. I and you are far from being worthless, but we deserve better then the poor excuse that any guy that can do this act without feeling any form of guilt.

The uncoventional proposal

Today I posted on a female magazine based forum on which I regularly write upon (call it yet another addiction) a discussion regarding women asking men for their hand in marriage. I was wondering why women feel it is not their role to ask, what stops them and if it still remains a man's position. Don't get me wrong I have no man to marry, but it got me thinking. I started this topic on the forum in response to the growing number of postings by women remarking their wonderment and their wait for their guy to pop those magical words of proposal. While badgering their partners for years, no sign of a ring was in the pipeline. Yet surely after knowing your partners views on the subject of marriage, engagement and the whole wider "lets spend our lives together" situation, (I don't believe proposals should come randomly out the blue - you do have to some extent know your partners wishes on this matter) a woman could feel enough within herself to ask him to marry her? Therefore limiting this wait for a ring to magically pop up and a guy to fall onto his knee.

As a sociologist, somewhat a femininst and as a twenty something, I'm wondering if i'm getting too feminist in my assumptions? Or am I merely so unromantic that I consider it ok for a women to ask a guy to marry her?

Sure I love my men to be proper men. I like a guy to take control, to buy me flowers, to shower me with love (dreamer!). And okay the idea of a guy going down on one knee asking me those words, would be romantic. However - if I knew he wanted to get married, that we had chatted about it, and I believed we were in the "right" place in our relationship then yes - I would feel okay about asking him to marry me.

I'd do this merely to save my mind from passively wondering when, or if he'd ever get around to asking. I don't want be waiting till he randomly has his light bulb moment and think "hmmm marriage ... now!" drops on one knee and there you go. I have the ability to make my own decisions and make my own choices and act by them. I don't need a man, even in this situation to wait to make up his mind.

A lot of replies to my post in the forum claimed ideas that for a woman to propose it would somehow threaten a man's masculinity and therefore their macho position when it comes to romance, of this one occasion when a man can be romantic. Thus for a women to ask for his hand in marriage would therefore take away the man's role.

Then remains this whole notion of tradition. To some extent I believe traditions are there to be broken. I know i'll be one of them women that will have children late (if at all) and that's my choice. I don't really fancy getting married until i'm in my 30s (again my choice). That's my view. But I don't agree in the assumed tradition that only a man can do the proposing.

Many claimed that it would lack romance - but surely as contemporary, worldly experienced women, we have the ability within us to be able to make a night special and romantic for us to ask a man for marriage. Not only men in this occasion can be romantic!

I really wonder what a man's view on this matter is. Do they really feel that it is their role to do the asking? Would they feel threatened and "hurt" if their girlfriend was to ask them? Or would they just think they were taking the piss? Or as I hope they would think, would they feel it romantic and sexy that their women, their partner loves them enough to ask them?