Recently i've been having a bit of a facebook cull when it comes to "friends". I've only ever had 177 "friends" [which is minor compared to some] many of whom were in the same school/university year as myself, yet we wouldn't talk to each other in the street. And if that was the case - they were off to be blacklisted, perhaps that's harsh but with the whole visa lark I don't need to feel like everyone needs to know my business.
Yet there is one person, well "friend" that i'm having a dilemma with. Let's call this friend C. Myself and C were really close at university when we where thrown together by the university people into living in the same freshers flat. While we're from different backgrounds socially [C being privately educated] we got on amazingly well, spending evenings and weekends talking the world away, we were clubbing buddies and cocktail girlies. This was all before boys. During the summer between first and second year C met her first proper boyfriend, couple this with moving into student housing nights in town decreased month by month, instead of going clubbing she'd rather shut herself in her room. Everything became about her boy. This continued into third year, and although we'd still have our natters, it wasn't the same.
On leaving university [C went south and I returned to do a Masters] we were still good, not great or as close, but still friends. We'd text, email, facebook; sending the normal cards at birthdays and Christmas. Until it all stopped on her part. While cards from C were always belated, they went from being two weeks late to non existent. I've tried texting, ringing, emailing but never got any reply. It didn't help when my phone died and I lost all my numbers. Yet I know C still used the same email because months later she sent a group email regarding someone spamming it days before. C's facebook on the other hand hasn't been touched by herself or her friends for a good year and a half.
I shouldn't let it bug me and I maybe it is time to move on and leave it as a lost friendship. But it's the memory of how close we were and the fun we had and in all honesty I do miss C. Maybe we were only a student friendship, thrown together under the circumstances and because those gone, the friendship too vanishes. With my time in the UK running out I'd love to be able to have that catch up chat but i'm not sure emailing C will get me anywhere, and emailing is the only form of communication I have left. Is cutting and deleting her on facebook the final end to that friendship?
What would you do bloggers? Would you risk sending another email and risk a wall of silence? Or would you let it go? Do you miss any lost friendships or have your tried to get them back?
I'd love to hear your stories because i'm really really not sure what to do.
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This is a horrible situation to be in, I hope you're okay. If it was i would email her again, explain everything, about america, how you fee etc and tell her this is the last time you will contact her and then it's down to her, but i really hope that she decides to contact you x
ReplyDeleteI've just been having a Facebook clearout too! I have some friends that kind of drift in and out, we won't speak for months but when we do it's just like old times...other people I was really close with, I just don't really spend time with now. Then there's 5 or 6 girls who are always part of my life! I'd just leave it for now, and see if she gets in touch :-)
ReplyDeleteIf I was in your situation then I would probably delete her from Facebook. It might sound harsh but I figure if she hasnt updated her Facebook in over a year and half then she might not even notice. xxx
ReplyDeleteHelloo! Oh gosh facebook can cause so much trouble!! I deleted my whole facebook once as I was fed up of my life being online (a joke now that i'm blogging) I had sent out messages saying I was doing it and if people were bothered they could give me their details. So I went ahead and got rid--fast forward a few years (ok maybe 2...fb isn't actually that old is it!)I had got it back and had started re-adding people. One person who I had always thought of very dearly refused my friendship...we hadn't been in touch for a long time so I hadn't thought he would be bothered by the deleted friendship (yes its a boy...so i recon girls would be worse) Turns out I offended him beyond repair by deleting him...he saw it as the final straw after we hadn't been in touch for so long.... Sorry this is pretty long winded...but I have been totally heart broken by finding out my little action caused such offence and has ended in a seemingly hopeless situation with my old friend....so I'd say get in touch-ESPECIALLY-as you are moving...its better to get in touch and be honest, if she isn't bothered at least you will know the delioo! Ok i'm done! HA! :) :)
ReplyDeleteCertain friendships, no matter how good, are transitory and its best just to remember the good times without adding a load of baggage after the event.
ReplyDeleteSeriously Facebook culls can be the best way to spend an evening - I really need to do more culling but i'll save that for a rainy afternoon!
ReplyDeleteThank so you so much for all your advice so far guys. It feels like i'm stuck remembering what fun and what closeness we had yet being naive to what happened since then. Half of me is thinking why bother writing an email when she can't be bothered to do anything on her part.
Hmmm ....
Thank you for your comment on my blog: I've subbed to you and your blog looks like a good read! :)
ReplyDeletesame thing happened with me and my best friend, but it was I who wanted to part ways. we just grew into different people liking different things. we grew to have different values and different idea of what our lives would become. while i grew up, got married and had children. she stayed the exact same..... she is now 32 and behaves like a 18 year old. theres nothing wrong with that... its just she can not hold a adult conversation to save her life!... my advice is to just let it go... friends come and go... while you may or may not know the reason why it doesn't matter things happen for a reason and it was meant to be this way. better things better friends are in store for you!
ReplyDeletethanks for visiting my blog, hope you come back soon!
@CottonCandyINK.blogspot.com
I've been in this situation myself. It was my best friend from primary school who I was close to in secondary school up until she got her first serious boyfriend and we began to see each other less and less. Then I went away for university and our contact completely ended. I've tried to keep contact and arrange things when I'm home, but have given up after recieving no reply. I've come (after a long hard discussion without myself and feelings of sadness) to the decision to let it go and remember the laugh we had rather than the wall I've hit now and the changed person she became. As horrible as it seemed I'd do the same. Contact needs to work on both sides. xx
ReplyDeleteI would email her and if she doesn't respond, then just consider it over... That's happened to me so many times over the years, and I think it's just because I or they've changed so much that we don't really get along as well as we used to. Of course there are friends that are forever, but I'm not gonna force a friendship that doesn't seem to want to sustain itself.
ReplyDelete♥ laura
the blog of worldly delights
One of my best friends and I used to be incredibly close, but we started drifting when she got a new beau. I didn't mind so much, except for the fact that she chooses to ignore ALL of our phone calls and invites and spend every waking moment with him. And on top of that, he's a shitty boyfriend. We've driften, with only a few "Hi, how ya doing?" or "Happy birthday!" text messages. Recently, I found out that when she found out about my pregnancy, she was acting quite bitter and cold towards me. Honestly, it hurts because we were so close, but in the end, I think if that person is basically nothing but a good memory and doesn't play an important part in your life NOW, we should cut ties. I miss my old best friend so much, but there's no reason for me to worry or give any thought for her if she isn't even trying to meet me half way. A friend is a friend, no matter the distance or time apart, but if they aren't making the effort at all, why should we?
ReplyDeleteBlah, sorry to ramble. I know it's not the exact situation you're in, but it got me thinking. ;/ I hope you do whatever it right for you, babe!!
I have this kind of dilemma with quite a few of my friends. NOt exactly the same situation, as whilst I do have a facebook account i haven't updated in about a year myself, I don't really like it although i don't want to delete it as i know it's a method with which i could get in touch with some of the people on there if i should ever need to use it.
ReplyDeleteI have problems with knowing how hard to try and keep a friendship going. I have a couple of friends who live locally to me, one is an old schoolfriend, and i see her very occasionally, as she works in my town. Sometimes i'll see her, we will arrange something there and then and it all happens fine - eg cinema / whatever. So i think that's fine, but if i try to text her to arrange something, i very rarely get any response, (although i know she has the smae number) so i wonder if i should bother or not, and then i'll see her and she'll be all "ooh we should do soemthing." and it goes around again.
I have another, who i met at a previous job (neither of us work there anymore) who is a serial canceller. She will contact to say "let's do something i haven't seen you in ages!" we will arrange it, and without fail, she will cancel within half an hour of the time we are due to meet. I've even started to text her on the morning of the day we have plans, to check we are still on, she will say yes, and then even so, she will cancel about half hour before, saying something has come up and she can no longer make it. It's frustrating, and otherwise she is a nice person, so i feel bad just not making any more plans with her, but i have started to only invite her along to something where i will be with other friends anyway, so that if / when she cancels, i can still do whatever i had planned.
I think that there comes a point where you have left it so long you just have nothing in common anymore. But I would always give them a last email, let her know that you'd love a chance to catch up before you go, and see what happens. I hope she replies.
this life is just too short to stress about things such as this. as friendships are very important in our lives, friends also come and go for a reason. they serve their purpose, and those that really matter and mean something stick around for the long haul. i say that it's time to let this friendship go, but always leave a little door open if she decides to change her mind. but until then, the ball is in her court and you should move on! :)
ReplyDeletexo TJ
Cheers everyone for all the advice and experiences it really does mean a lot. I think i'm going to leave it to be honest, maybe it has been too long to expect things to suddenly change because i'm off away. She's always known where I've been and had my email and she never replied last time when she had a chance. Part of me thinks that is harsh but maybe i'll just leave it for now and send her an email at christmas for something.
ReplyDeleteThe advice you've already been given is brilliant. I'm inclined to agree with Miss Rayne and accept it's over. Email her at Xmas with an update and if you hear nothing else then walk away. x
ReplyDeleteI would email personally, then you have done all that you can, I understand there's an element of rejection if you see it that way, but if it was me I'd regret not have tried everything. But I suppose you have to evaluate is/was that friendship worth it? good luck though, either way sweet. x
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel!
ReplyDeleteMy advice would be to keep those in your life that make the effort. Those who do care, those that don't, sadly to say, are not worth it.
Cherish the memories you do have, and enjoy life to the fullest. It's too short for regrets or dwelling in the past.
You reached out, and she didn't respond. Hope this helps.
Cheers !!
Vanessa=)
I've been in this situation. If they don't take the time or effort, then in my opinion its time to cut ties. I've experienced this more than once. If you want, you can try one last message and see how that goes. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you my loves for your input! I think i'm going to stew on it at work tomorrow and go with my gut feeling which at the moment to leave it completely but i'll leave it another day before my final decision.
ReplyDeleteIf there's one thing I have learnt from leaving uni it's that friendships have a funny way of running their natural course they begin they blossom they end. there are a few friends I havnt spoken to since leaving university but I just remember the good times and embrace the new friends I have made now I'm back at home Hope this helps Xx
ReplyDelete