Friday, 15 July 2011

Part Seven. Stuck

I spent the night eating ben and jerries and drinking lapsang tea. Both are "me & JJ" things. Things JJ got me into, the tea bags are left overs from our holidays and BnJs the only ice cream I can face eating. Things are tough, I miss my boy, I have no idea where my paperwork is - it's meant to take three to five weeks to reach me, and the five week marker past by on Thursday. Plus they aren't replying to our enquiries. Term for July is definately stuck.

So, this all keeps making me think they are rethinking my application; or so many people are fleeing to the USA that there's an immense back log that no one knows about. Just confusing when we came finished the first phase under the average we're stuck in limbo. Limbo. Limbo. Limbo.

I often hide that i'm not scared about moving to others and sometimes to myself. Don't get me wrong i'm totally excited about being with JJ and living together and getting married and everything that is about us. It's the being eight hours minimum flight away from the UK, the feeling that when I open my mouth i'll be noticed as being totally different because I have an English accent, or just being known as the "english girl" then of just not knowing anyone. I'm not too hip on the sterotypes of English people - I just know I don't speak like the Queen, live in London or a castle. Just have a feeling I won't fit in at all.

All these worries will be totally irrelent if I can't even move. Then I worry about the mess i'm leaving behind, if I don't move I rip me and JJ apart which I can't, can't do. I can't walk away from what we have, but then moving and being an only kid means my parents being without me and what will that cause? I know they need to step back from my life but thats natural anyway, i'm 25 in September and i need to reclaim the independence I had when I was at university. Moving makes me feel so very selfish at times.

I try to escape into my job, even though I don't really like it, but I just try and get my head down and focus on that for the time being. But i'm swamped in collegue converstations about cheating husbands and affairs. I'm that invisble worker that just gets on with her work and doesn't say much. I dyed my hair a more reddy colour and noone mentioned or commented on it, a girl is leaving and I wasn't asked about going to a leaving drink. Maybe its' because i'm quiet, maybe i'm making my own suffering?


  1. If it comforts you a little, my boyfriends friend and his wife to America last year and they're both from Yorkshire - they've had a couple of people misunderstanding some words but all in all it seems to be going pretty well!

    I'm sure there isn't a problem with your application, it's horrible to leave you hanging but I'm sure they won't be reconsidering.. Try to think positive :-)

    And being quiet isn't always a bad thing - even if you are quiet you're being incredibly brave doing all this and ultimately you're doing what you want to do and this will be the making of you! xo

  2. :( I hope you hear something soon, I can't imagine being that far away from my other half, but I know it must be really hard.


  3. Thank you guys, it's just hard when it feels like its taking forever then you long for the days where people could just travel around and move countries so easily. Feels like the last six months have gone so slowly.

    we had word yesterday that my paperwork should be getting into London sometime in the next week but we shall see!

  4. lovely lady, everything is going to work itself out, i promise! i cannot imagine how tough this must be, but please know you're in my thoughts & prayers!

    autumn jordan

  5. Oh wow it sounds like you have so many things going on at the moment. I cant imagine being eight hours away from home but it will be worth it to be with your love, I hope it all works out.

  6. Thank you Autumn and Megan, just gets me down that i'll be having my third birthday in this relationship without my boy. Just la la feel so worn out at the moment. I should probably take time out from work but I always feel like I need all the money I can get for flights and everything else. i donno. Guess i'm just missing my boy that it makes me feel drained.

    Anyway, rant over. On the positive, I have a guy that wants this to work as much as I do. That's a very lucky thing.

  7. I don't know you, but I wanted to state that your entries kind of touching me - thank you so much for that! I wish you all the best and no longer fear of settling over to another world. I'm sure you'll get through and maybe you just notice the storm, when it's already over.
    Love from Germany,