Friday, 21 January 2011

So what, my relationship isn't normal?

I keep coming up against people that seem to have some kind of issue with my relationship. It's nothing they say up front but you can tell they have a problem with it. Or even if they don't know my totally circumstances, they have stances and viewpoints which knock down and flatten my known way of being and living. 

None of the issues/stances are things I believe in myself. Every relationship is totally different, their circumstances and what's taken two people to that point is always different and can't be so easily defined as, well they've been together x number of years so they have to be at this point in their relationship, anything further is too risky and anything less is obviously frigid.

Me and JJ fall into the former point, so we're obviously risking everything and acting like love sick teenagers. Yeah but we're 24/25 - not really teenagers.

[Background - we're in a huge Long Distance Relationship (LDR) with me in the UK, my Joe in America, we got engaged after a year of being together, and we hoping to get married autumn this year.] 

Apparently we fail in a number of ways; 
  • Long distance relationships are always seen and watched from afar with judgement. I always get asked how do I know he's not cheating on me? How can I trust him? Why can I be bothered when I rarely seem him? Apparently people forget what love is all about, just because you can't be with that person in person, it doesn't mean you love them any less. 
  • Getting engaged after a year - how can you know someone that well to know you want to marry them after that amount of tine. When you're with the one, you just know. Back in the day people got married yet alone engaged after months. 
  • By having a small wedding - apparently goes against the grain and you should know invite a million and five people to your wedding, just because. We're having 20 people there, deal with it we're not getting married for the sake of having a big do, we're getting married because we love each other. We're both shy people we'd hate all the attention of a big thing, we just want our closest, most important people to be there to spend the day with.
  • Oh yeah and not even having a wedding on a budget, apparently you can't have "proper" weddings on anything less then £15,000, we're doing ours on £2000 maximum, because we refuse to get into loads of debt. 
  • But how can we afford to get married when we can't even live together? Yet along getting married before we've even lived together. So because I haven't lived with JJ that means I know NOTHING about him, or his habits, or his quirks. 
  • Not wanting a traditionally all white dress causes issues too.
Sometimes it feels like your always hitting a brick wall. It's not that I want to meet or match everyone's expectations of what a relationship or wedding should be. Just wanting a little more respect. Relationships should be welcomed and enjoyed whatever way they appear. 


    1. I definately detect some old fashioned Yorkshire ideas in those objections. Just take a deep breath and let it all wash over you. it is YOUR wedding, YOUR future, YOUR relationship.

      (There's always elopement - even cheaper!!!)

    2. I've been in a LDR for almost 3 years and I've had a lot of the same 'Why do you bother? How do you know he's not cheating?' comments. I've never had them from people who really know me and my boyfriend, but I have had them from people who think they know me and my life. Love knows no boundaries, when you know you've met 'the one' you just know. And you don't know how you know, but it's a beautiful feeling.

      I think small weddings are beautiful. When I get married I don't really want anyone to be there, I love the idea of just running away, finding a couple of strangers to witness & just getting married.

      Do whatever the two of you want and it'll be so completely and utterly magical.

      You're so lucky to have found each other and I wish you all the happiness in the world!


    3. Thank you guy, means a lot. And yeah, my old morals and ideas are showing through very highly atm. I'm that polite girl that rarely swears, says please and thank you and opens doors to people. It doesn't get me anywhere but I think that's a rant for another day.

      I agree Jennie, it's never the close people that ask those questions, just people from work and so one. They never seem satisfied with the "just because I trust him" line. They get so fixated and determined on that one part of the relationship and just base and judge it on that and nothing more.

      But yeah. I need to BREATH and let it pass over me. We're bigger and strong then that.

    4. go for it!!! dont mind what people say :) im sure you love each other so much :)


    5. Statistically you are more likely to have a happy marriage having never lived together before.

      (It's a meaningless statement, but usually politely shuts up the nosy know-it-alls)

      (Unless they also study stats =P)

    6. Oh christ, hear hear!

      I'm not engaged, but I am in an England-Spain LDR. I've had a lot of judgement. But the love, trust and strength you need to maintain an LDR outweighs every single relationship that assumes "if you cant see them, they are fucking someone else". Proximity alone does not equal a successful relationship; balls to those who judge.
      I agree with a lot of things here; I am not engaged but I would want a small wedding, not pay extravagant money, or wear a white dress.
      You might remember my question to you and BB on the forum last year, for advice on LDR's, you both inspired me a lot to give it a go; yes it's hard but he makes me happier than I've ever been, so I want to thank you for the encouragement and best wishes for you both for the future!

    7. Hey, hey.
      As long as your HAPPY don't worry about what other people are saying, seriously. Everyone is different, and what works for you, works for you, you know?
      and i'm happy for your love, not everyone has that, you know?

      xoxo mama wolf.

    8. Thanks guys, my heads getting around the idea. Just wish more people could be happier about everyone's relationships and just get on with it rather then judging some peoples more special and more committed

      I know what me and Joe have, and I know that it's special, that's all that matters.

    9. I agree with Mama Wolf. If you are happy & you both are giving 110% to the relationships & there is real love then all the other people can stuff it. I think relationships that have struggles are more beautiful & precious because when you both see each other isn't it extra special? My cousin is having a wedding with about 30 people & that's it. There is no reason to start your married life in debt from a wedding. Make your choices dear & be happy forget everyone else! =)

      How pretty! What a pretty quote!! =)

      Melanie's Randomness

    10. @ Melanie - I know, I know how us not being physically together has made us grow so much stronger. we don't have the petty arguments because they just seem pointless when we have the huge distance. I guess we have that perspective.